serendipitykim

At the moment, I am beyond my own capacity of how calm I can maintain myself. This morning, my mom discovered I was heading back to Berkeley in the morning and she began acting unusual and then a bit crazy. Supposedly, every time since the unraveling of my father’s affair, she can’t be sane without me being there. It scares me to think of what my mother would do if I weren’t there.

My mother wants to end the separation with my father. She claims that he still loves her and that the reason why he is acting like a bastard is because of us, his children. She believes we are at fault and that he never wanted to leave. She is living in this world of denial that won’t do anything except cause her to go insane. My mother thinks this way because of this granny who lives with us. She constantly intrudes into our family, acting as though she has a say in what goes on. She has repetitively stated that my father has never cheated on my mother and that she was just imagining things, even when that freaken bastard has told that granny himself that he is. She continues to tell us to forgive our father, and that our father will forgive us. WHAT THE HELL. STUPID.

Anyways, forgetting her, my mother went insane today. She blames us for the separation and wants to beg him back. The oldest sister argued against it; the one who has experienced most of the abuse because she was the first born and first born female. My mother kicked her out of the house because of the argument. Later on, my second older sister was kicked out of the house. I too, am not welcomed because she thinks I will kill that bastard by taking all of what he has.

Unreal. I will never do that. I won’t do it. Even if he has ruined my life and my family’s life, I don’t have it in me to destroy him. All I want from my father is what the law allows in California; the equal distribution of property. My mom assumes I will take him down completely. My objective is to give my mom financial support by any means necessary. I want my mom to live the rest of her life without fear of surviving. I’ve tried to explain this to her in the morning, but she wouldn’t understand. Our argument resulted in bickering and yelling. In the end, I left the house and headed for Berkeley, sad.

I don’t know why, but I’m afraid. I’m afraid of what’s to come because I don’t know if I can handle everything. I feel like I’m the only one who bears this. I know my siblings bear this also, but I feel more pressured because of their expectations of me.

I’m not doing so good at the moment. I haven’t slept well enough for the past few weeks and haven’t been eating as a result of this catastrophe. Honestly, I’ve lost three pounds in the past two weeks. In the past two days, I had a fever and yet I force myself to work. I’m at the point where I feel unenergetic but persistent in trying to achieve my objective. I know I said that I must sacrifice in order to achieve my goal, but I don’t want to sacrifice what is important to me. Right now, I still want a life. I still want to hang with friends and be able to live. I want to live. But, I just feel like I’m obliged to my family. I want to be happy. I just want to be happy.